Bringing visibility to the scars you can’t see

Five months in and four to go since I had my ACL operation. Yep, this is a long process. Lots of friends have had ACL reconstruction and the common theme they share is: “Be patient! It’s a long recovery process …”.

And they are totally right …

I had surgery in November and it’s only been in the last three weeks that I felt kinda like an athlete again. I can finally jump, change direction, and put more load in my workouts but all this doesn't come for free. I do still feel that something is not right in my left knee, it gets pretty mad at me if I overdo things and mostly the bone graft is still too new to really get back to the sports I love.I keep asking my PT (mostly joking …), “Can I go skiing now? Can I go ride my mountain bike on the trails now?”! The answer is still no … but with a little smile on her face … I can’t get her distracted enough to say yes!

I had the “Good to go” for sailing in April and it was definitely a relief. The surgeon is happy for me to use a brace for the first few weeks just to make sure I feel confident moving around the boat. The OceanFifty is quite unstable - especially on the net - and I know it is better to be safe than sorry.

But at home in Park City, that’s a different story …!

I love the outdoors and most of the activities that I love require some form of stability in your knees. I love skiing, riding bikes (uphill and downhill), teaching on the mountains, and hiking!

For the entire winter season I have not been allowed to do most of these things, and now that the spring season is coming I will only be allowed to ride: “Trails that you might take Harriet with you!”. Don’t get me wrong … I love riding with Harriet in her little shotgun seat and handlebars, but that’s not exactly the idea of ‘riding’ I have in my mind!

The scars you can’t see

I have a small scar on the front of my knee which will forever remind me about my accident. But the hardest part has been the other scar that no one sees, the one inside my soul. I went through some rough moments at times, both mentally and emotionally. Moments where I found myself just wanting to cry, not capable of finding something that would make me feel good and ‘me’ again. I felt depressed and hopeless.

Sometimes it was so irrational that I couldn’t even understand why I was ending up in such a dark place.

I knew the surgery had been a success, that my recovery was moving at a good pace, the graft was attaching well to my bone, and all the people I love were supporting me. Harriet was coming to PT with me and taking care of my “oweee knee” yet I was still ending up in a really bad mental place.

I felt I was missing out on so much. Harriet was starting to ‘ski’ and I was missing all her milestones, just standing on the side of the hill with my brace on. Sally was off skiing by herself and I was missing our chairlift rides where we always share so much, where we try to get each other better at some skills, or just talking about life and what is coming around the corner.

I was seeing ski instructors (who after a few years of living in Park City have become really good friends) teaching little kids how to love the sport and I felt ‘stuck’ at the front desk taking calls for the ski school.

I went through some really low moments.

The fear of missing out

But, a few months later, I can tell you it was just a massive amount of FOMO and the mental struggle to see the positive steps I was taking.

The physical pain was nothing compared to the pain of having to literally re-learn how to walk, how to extend my leg, how to squeeze my quad again, and pushing through the flexion in my knee which was so slow to improve.

I spent too much time thinking “What if i’m not back at 100% again?” or “What if I’m scared of skiing again?”. Always “What if … what if ...”.

But slowly and surely, things started to move at a better pace. I started to lift weights in the gym again, I had some trips to France to join Upwind by MerConcept, and I could feel myself getting physically better making more complex movements.

I started to be able to walk and run more smoothly and finally - five months after the operation - I was able to chase Harriet down a small bunny hill, I was back to going swimming with her and not thinking about my knee anymore. I started to vertically jump and side jump and slowly felt like an athlete again.

I’m in a better mental space now. I can see the light again and I can recognize this is just a part of the journey called ‘life’. 

All the people that love me, starting from my wife Sally, our Park City friends, my teammates at Team Francesca Clapcich, my sponsor 11th Hour Racing, and my PTs - all of them never stopped to see this light, never thought for a moment that the comeback will not be there. They never gave up on me. Although I did give up on me a few times, without the support of all of them today, I would probably not have a smile back on my face again. I would still be fighting my own demons and I would probably not be enjoying the happiness of being a ‘backpack snack mom’ while building snow donuts for my daughter.

Life is challenging us in all different forms and it takes a village to go through it. I will always be so thankful for my village who never gave up on me.

The importance of asking for help

I struggle to ask for help, to show my weaknesses and my fragility. I knew I needed some help and I didn’t even know how to ask for it, nor the kind of help I actually needed. 

We are all different, but I do understand now (and maybe too late) that asking for help is not a weakness, it’s actually an amazing way to analyze what’s wrong, what makes us feel a certain way, what makes us react emotionally, and understand what are the factors that trigger these behaviors. I couldn’t give that to the people who supported me and still they did it anyway, just being there, just being on my side. 

I want to make sure that if it happens again I will have the tools to verbalize those feelings, and make sure that people around me understand and don’t have to guess how I need support.

Using the help of professionals, opening up, learning how to show all these aspects of yourself are not weaknesses, they are instead the most powerful tools we can have to go through life being able to be fully in the present for our family, for ourselves, for our jobs, and our friends. To show up as the best version of ourselves.

Another experience in the book of life to learn from and grow from!

Here’s to my comeback, to a new year of sailing, to travelling, to my family, to love, and all the amount of outdoor life I can tackle!

I may have been broken but I’m not that broken anymore.

Andiamo

Frankie!